J-U-N-E...

Early of the year...I was pretty much looking forward for the month of June..but then He took it away from me way before things are about to happen...it's every girl's dream to have their lil secret fantasy...........mine's ruined.....it's over I know, but I can't lie that this coming June won't remind me of those things that I've dreamed of...I know this June will not quite bring me the happiness which I thought it would...but maybe He has better plans for me....June might be the kick start for a new dream?...perhaps..?....I kinda can't wait for June to be over...maybe that way I wouldn't be so reminded of those dreams... *sigh* I really need some distraction........hmmm...

Our days are numbered....

Yea....our days ARE numbered...that's just why calendars have numbers...and our birthday adds number to our age.....

26 years of living, there are too many things that I wanted in life. Some which I managed to reach, while some are still out of reach. Despite of all the materials that I want, I am still seeking for happiness, pure happiness. I know that happiness won't last and that our life needs to be balanced with some sadness. But I have this feeling that sadness is starting to conquer my life and that I only managed to taste a split second of happiness. There are quite a number of things which I suppose are achievable to me, but I was forced to stop pursuing them. People have been saying that there may be something better that awaits me at the end of the day. I kept telling myself the same. But just how long can I lie to this broken heart that things are never going to be the way I wanted it to be. I can't even try to mend things in my own way. A leopard can never change its spot? That's exactly what I am. But the leopard is lucky coz he can behave just like how a leopard should behave. While I have to watch people around me achieve what they desire and watch mine shattered one after another. I just don't have the right to make a dream come true.

Die? People no longer die when they get old. Nowadays, people tend to die at young age. I don't know when I will die. No one knows. But I do know that my days are numbered. I can't stay alive forever. And I think I don't have much of a time to be upset about not getting to achieve what I desire. If I should die, I want to die happily. And leave the people who I love without having them being hurt about my misbehaviour or what not. If I were to die soon, I want them to be happy. So I suppose I should start behaving at my best. Be careful with my words and action as to not hurt those who I love. Need to learn to listen and not question too much. Whatever makes them happy should make me happy to. I'm sure they want me to be happy, as much as I want them to be happy. Now that sounds like a happy ending.

Well, looks like I gotta live everyday like it's my last day. May Allah bless me, and those I love. *amin*

What Happened To Blackmouse & "The Train"...

Remember the train?..which blackmouse was supposed to decide whether or not to hop in it?..
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It crashed!!!!
Yes....right in front of her eyes..when she had decided to hop in it....
All the dilemmas, juz to watch it crash?..
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It's awful!!..blackmouse now hates "train"!!

**no human or mouse were hurt in the crash.......only blackmouse's lil tiny heart was hurt....quite badly.... :(

And So It's 2010 Already...

my first post for 2010..
it's a new year..but nothing new (yet) bout me...i haven't been blogging for so long n today i felt like it again...after so long...yeah..maybe dat's something new?..heh..

so Black Mouse is currently wondering...

"there's a train coming....u either hop in THAT train or wait for another train to take u to ur destination.....(if there's ever gonna b another one)..?"

yeah?..to hop or not to hop?...THAT train might seem uncomfortable to ride in but if Black Mouse does not hop in THAT train, will there ever be another train?..if there is, then she's lucky..but what if that's the last train?...what if that's not the last one?...what will she be missing?..

Black Mouse remember writing about the road not taken last year, so this year, it's about the train..God knows what she'll be writing about next year..huhuuu...

And suddenly this song came to her mind......

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep, there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else's known
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

That's Runaway Train by Soul Asylum anyway....and THAT song is the song she should be singing if she ever miss the train n there's NO other train!! Enough wondering for the day I guess..

T.I.M.E

So it's been a while yea?..i juz don't know what to blog about...until today..
when i come to think of time...how time passes and many dreams achieved, while many more remain as dreams..

time rili flies...many things have changed..yet today, i'm sititng in front of my laptop wif d same old feeling..(which i rather not mention here)..y does dis thing keep happening to me..?..gimme sumthg new..or at least change me...make me have no feeling towards it..the more i tried not to take it to heart, the worse it felt..

can i simply back-off from dis whole system dat's starting to hurt me?..can I?...
there's no answer to it...because only TIME will tell...I guess I'd better switch to safe-mode before it's too late... *sigh* i rili hope dat dis is juz a phase...and soon, all this feelings will be gone...

It's 12 a.m Now...

yes..it's 12am now...& in 12 hours time, i'll b in the middle of a celebration...a celebration for my 5 years of study...

going back to yesteryear... i still remember giving up on life juz bcoz of a dark moment..but slowly, i found d courage to stand again n so i paddle my way to the journey of 5 years to reach to my destination of getting a degree..

the judging eyes have always been looking down at me..their hands are ever ready to clap if i fall again...to them, i'm just gonna fall at anytime...once a failure, a failure i will be...

so, in 12 hours time, I shall be free from the judging eyes that have always been looking down at me..alhamdulillah....He had granted me a second chance...n i finally achieved what i dreamt of...i'm hoping that my success today will not make me forget of my responsibilities..

papa n mama...i'm sorry i turned u down last 5 years...i'm dedicating tomorrow to both of u..i know i'm not d best of all...but dis is d best dat i manage to be...thanks for all ur prayers alongway of my journey up till today..thanks also to my beloved sister n brother for d motivation n prayers..to my friends (near n far) who r alwiz around thru my ups n downs...and finally.....

all my lecturers for all that they've taught me in the past 5 years....to a particular lecturer, thanks for ur HUGE critic..it was becoz of ur critic dat i walk dat extra mile to prove u wrong...to prove to u dat my micro teaching isn't rubbish at all n dat wat u saw was juz bcoz i had no clue on wat to do coz i didn't get to attend ur class (with ur own permission).....i am seriously thanking u..n u shud know dat i cant erase d picture of u in my head..i'm alwiz reminded of u whenever i first walk into a new classroom to teach...thank you...

n to all the people (pak guard, pakcik bas, makcik cafe, abg CC, org2 TMnet, pakcik library, etc) who indirectly contributes to my achievement in d next 12 hours...THANK YOU!!! thank u so much!!~~

It Makes Me Wonder...

I'm in d process of recovering from a very high fever..i was flat for two days.. *sigh*
so yeah..feelin a bit better after meeting my peeps, i went back home n start checking my mails n wat not..wat makes me wonder is dat i've been receiving friends request from my ex's friends..?
hmmm...i'm just wondering..as to y now?..y is it dat dey r becoming friendly after we broke up?..
i came out wif a few reasons...

1) bukan la nk add sgt pn, tp da profile aku private, tepakse la add sbb nk view..
2) nk tau ape pasal ktorg break, aku ade laki lain ke..
3) saje je nk tgk kot2 tipu2 je breakup..
4) nk kepoh2 tgk aku cmne skrg..
5) nk make sure aku masih bernafas lepas da break?..

heh...very negative? i know! but come on la, apasal masa elok2 kitorg couple, xde plak korang nk beramah mesra nk add aku kan?? skrg plak nk add2..mintak maaf la kakak2, abang2, serta adik2 yg nk add aku tu...nk ckp aku sombong pn cakap la...aku lg tau sape aku..ko nk bekawan ngn aku ke?..i dont think so la..kalo x, konfem dr dulu pn ko da add or msg2 aku kn..bukan xde pn kawan "dia" yg msg2 n add aku...aku layan je...aku xde la sombong terjun lombong punya orang..heh..soriiii...naik loriiii...kalo da rase nk tawu sgt psl aku..tuh, p tny la kwn korg tuuu...
yes, aku hangin sbb korg nk sibuk2 life aku...

hah!!kan da kuar bahasa ibunda aku neh..sorry, must b d heat of my body dat caused me to easily get mad?..heh..blackmouse wonders no more....coz blackmouse doesn't need d kind of friend who doesn't know her at all n doesn't even try to make any effort to get to know her, but merely JUDGE her from wat dey can view on her profile!! thanks for d attention though...hahah!

Forbidden Love...?..

It's been a while since I last update my blog..
So many things happened that I don't rili hv the time to update my blog..
but paper n pen are almost everywhere that whenever i have the "urge" to write, I'll simply scribble it down..so here it goes......

There was a tale about a Mouse who is really crazy about cheese. One day, he fell deeply in love with the moon, thinking that she is a cheese. Every night, the Mouse will look up to the sky to watch the Moon. And during the day, he will be restless, waiting for night to come.

The Moon knows about the Mouse's feelings towards her. Feeling the attraction between them, the Moon decided to reveal her feelings to the Mouse. With cheese in one hand, the Mouse replied, "I do love you too Moon, but there's nothing I can do".

Upon listening to this, the Moon was so heart broken that she decided to hide herself among the clouds. Whenever the Mouse looked up to watch the Moon, she will hide herself. So, if you happen to look up to the sky and the Moon is hiding among the clouds, you should know that the Mouse is also looking up to see the moon......heh...enough said..move on!!

Tenggang Blackmouse homecoming...

Blackmouse would like to report about her so-called loooong holiday dat she had, in conjunction of labour's day..hahah..so yeah, on the 30th of April, blackmouse drove back to her hometown rite after work..

Feeling quite tired due to not having enough sleep the nite before, she sang along to almost all the songs she had in her collection..a few kilometres upon arriving to her destination...blackmouse saw..........
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"dah sampai HOLLYWOOD?????" she thought...den she blinked her eyes several times to make sure dat it wasn't a dream...
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."haaaa...baru la betolll.."...heh..didn't know dat Ipoh had similar signage like the one in Hollywood..

p/s: Blackmouse enjoyed her so called loooong holiday..how bout u??.. ;)

When You Weren't Looking

...Blackmouse fell down today at one of the school's stairs..not too sure what went wrong tho..but it seems dat a certain switch's been turned on..Blackmouse suddenly felt like writing...hmmm...
Here it goes.....

When you weren't looking,
I checked my hair if it's in place.
When you weren't looking,
I stared at your hair wanting to put it in place.

When you weren't looking,
I smiled at you in daze.
When you weren't looking,
I watched you smiling and suddenly feel safe.

When you weren't looking,
I said a little prayer.
When you weren't looking,
I shifted to be nearer.

When you weren't looking,
I secretly wished we can be happy together.
When you weren't looking,
I hoped I'll no longer live in tear.

When you looked
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I ran away.....................and cried!

Syukur pada Mu...

WARNING: Pls don't bother reading this entry..i juz need a channel to let out my feeling(s)..n it's darn long!

Hmm...
Hrni aku rs nk ckp bahse ibunda..coz entry kali ni is luahan perasaan yg aku pn xtau la nk kate ape..aku hepi hrni kuar jln2 bersama kwn2..kuar kalini bkn takat kuar jln2 kosong..tp dgn mission nk wat bisnes..terasa dunia ni masih luas..byk lg celahan hidup yg aku blom explore..btol la kot org puteh kate, life starts at 40 ek?..tu psl la kot aku rs cm life aku xstart2 lagik..hahah!

Round punya round, dpt la aku collect dua bisnes card utk aku kire2 nk wat bisnes..den kitorg troskn jln2..psl jln2 xya la kot cite..kite fast forward part tu..so, on d way back, borak2 la psl future n wat not..den kwn aku pn bukak la offer psl kwn die nk cr calon wife..n kwn aku ni sungguh2 rekomen kt ktorg..kateny d guy target nk kawin nxt year xsilap..mase dgr tu, fuhh..tros t'ingat kat some1..huhuh..bunyi offer mcm menarik..a chance to get to know another soul who's also looking kan..dari dok merayap kat secret garden..but den, aku decline...coz aku rs cam xbest je cmtu..da la kwn aku tu ckp org tu xnk b'cinta dlu, nk b'cinta pas kawin..erk..sempat ke nk knal cmtu?..

Oh ok..aku tau ade je org yg b'cinta pas kawin..no offense k..aku hormat keputusan korg n infact salute korg coz brani take dat step..aku x kot..or mayb blom smpi tahap seberani korg..but den lately ni aku cam rs tah pape...since sorg2 kwn aku dok naik pelamin..cam rs, "ape nk jd kt aku nih?"..hmm..quite a few jgk kwn2 yg da ade anak..adeyh..rs cam aku akn cmni smpi tua...coz aku xmeet new people kot..tahla..da la aku ni penyegan..huhuh..

Tapiii...dlm dok bengong2 cmnih, aku t'bc la blog some1..mmg btol la org kate m'baca ni leh luaskn pengetahuan, bla bla bla..coz aku bru sedar.....yg sbenar2ny....aku bkn perlu smua tu..aku juz rs cmtu sbb keadaan sekeliling..sbb smua org ada...sbb umur cmni org slalu settle down..seriously, aku bodoh..alhamdulillah Allah dorong aku g baca blog tu..aku skrg sedar n paham maksud settle down yg sbenarny..settle down, is bila kita rs nk hidup b'same org tersebut..bkn kite pegi cari sane sini utk hidup bersame org tu..mayb blogger tu xmention camtu, tp itu yg aku phm sndr..tibe2, i dont feel dat old anymore..hahah!..ada la tu nti, for me..amin..~

Fuhhhhh! lega btol da pokpek pjg lebar cmnih..maka t'bukti la bku yg aku pnah bc dlu kate, writing is a therapy..soooo trueee!!

p/s: hopefully k'sedaran ni b'thn lame..takut je bgun2 esk da stat blik..hahha! ape pun, for now..aku hepi cam nih...weee~

1st Rendezvous...

tadaaa...this is our picture during our 1st rendezvous... we were walking hand in hand..LOL! i can see dat he's rili happy..juz look at d way he smiled!! hahah!..love ur smile Mr. S..weeee~

Secret Garden...

Recently, I found a garden, my secret garden. Whenever i'm happy or sad, i'll go to my secret garden to pour my heart out. In a magical way which I can't explain, I always ended up feeling glad that I went to my secret garden. Since my life is in such a mess rite now, i tend to be a frequent visitor of my secret garden. I laughed and cried in this little secret garden. And now i started to wish that this secret garden is really mine.

Now, I felt guilty that all this while, I had been trespassing someone else's garden. If this garden is rili mine, I wudn't have liked it if someone else had simply walk into my garden. It's not that I'm being selfish. But there are just some things that we want to call our own, don't we? We just need to have some sense of belonging at times.

It's about time that I walk out of my secret garden. It wasn't even mine after all. I was just a trespasser. Thank you secret garden for all the moments and your magical way of making me happy. Though I will no longer be visiting you, you will always be on my mind. To the garden owner, I am deeply sorry for what I had done. I do hope that you'll forgive me.

And to my secret garden, do pray that I'll find another garden. Another garden just like you....with magical power to make me happy and which I can call my own...

Au revoir moi 'secret garden'......................

Of Numbers & Figures?...

My colleagues and I had our girl talk in the library today...yes, students are having their mid-term break so the library was pretty empty..then, in the midst of conversation, my little brain up there made me realize.......dat life's too short to be wasted on unworthy things..well, of course different people have different definition of unworthy..n so do I..........

n it doesn't just end there...i kept pondering on it even after lunch..i'm in my mid-twenties now..like, what have i done in the past 20 plus years??..it's all about the numbers right?..if only our age doesn't increase, then it wouldn't have mattered, rite?...but come to think of it, there's a reason to why people start inventing something called "numbers" and "figures".......?....so that we can keep track, agree?...

*sigh*

*sigh*

*sigh*

*laughs*

oh no, is this wat old people tend to do?..ponder too much on life like there's nothing else to be done..??..hahah! i AM younggggg!.. & i'd love to waste morrre time on unworthy things....coz when the time comes and i get rili old, then i would regret not doing all the unworthy things..so yeah, come what may...i am sooo doing my thingsss..

p/s: some people commented on my habit of thinking too much..well, i don't see it as a problem tho...i think it's one of the ways to keep my brain working..hahahaha!.. juz b careful on wat ur thinkin about... ;) ..ngeeee~

If....

If I could wear my heart on my sleeve...den I bet none would judge me for what I am not..
I know it's just human's nature to judge another person..but some forget to keep their judgment within their own thoughts........

I once fell flat on the ground for a particular person's judgment towards me which changed my life, entirely......yes, it's like all my hopes and dreams were ruined in a flash!.. I so wanted to confront dat particular person about it..I wanted to proof him/her wrong......I wanted him/her to know the real me...and not just what he/she saw...but I didn't...I decided to let it be........

I tried to forget about it as I do not want to hold a grudge against dat particular person..there's just no use for me to be holding a grudge when everything's gone......n tonight, again....by another person...........

I really wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve...den u wouldn't have judge me the way u did...I'm not all dat perfect..nobody is.......but if u could only see my heart, you'll regret saying what you just said......this broken heart is full of million things that u haven't got the chance to know yet.....but u decided to judge....i am nobody...u can have ur say......n so do i...here, at dis little place i called mine...thanks...........

Would U Accept This?

Dear you...

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you. I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

Thanking you in anticipation

Yours sincerely,
Me
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Blackmouse found this cute lil letter while playing an online game..
& she thinks dat it's pretty cuteeee..in a way..heee..
so, would u accept this love letter?..
yes, you! you are reading this aren't you?..
LMAO!!!

Red Red Wine Bike...

Weeeeee~~
Saw dis bike on d way to work.....
Turned out dat d rider headed to my office!!
Nice ride u have there man!!!!!

ngeee...wonderin if ur a student or staff here....
nk tumpang....hahahha!
tp bukan tumpang naik, nk tumpang bawak round2 cyberjaya...
weeeeeee~~

p/s:alamak...kang Mr. S jeles plak dah... :P

My New Love....weee~

In one of my entries, i mentioned dat in life, when one door closes, another opens...true enough...

Coz today, I found a new love...he is Mr. S...weeee~
We met at my new office...(love at first sight lah konon!)
Ngeee..today i dun hv any class..so, I'm spending d day wif him...
Dis is d 1st time u'll see my pic on my blog...n who wud hv tot dat u'll see me wif my new love..

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blackmouse n Mr. S....

**sweet x kitorg??...hee...kalo aku keje lame2 kt cni, jd cam Mr. S la kot kn?..handsome la jugak bopren baru aku ni ek?..putih melepak tuuu!!wahahahha!

A Lil Bit Of Dis....A Lil Bit Of Dat...

Was early to work........feeling light-headed...the clock went tick-tock-tick-tock...

9 a.m - It's no use crying over spilt milk

11 a.m - No pain, no gain

12 p.m - Easy come, easy go

2 p.m - Every cloud has a silver lining

4 p.m - Let bygones be bygones
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6 p.m - Absence makes the heart grow fonder
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Demmm!!

Life's A Bi%$#?..no!..book!

Life's a book..seriously...
i'm realizing dat i've recently turned into a chapter full of surpises & happiness..n now i'm at d chapter where bad things happen..no idea how long this chapter wud b..

me trying to read this chapter at top speed..expecting good things in the next chapter..
oh my...we edited our book as to produce a better story..but who are we to tell..?
He had decided everything for us...we r merely playing our part in the book of life..

all the best to u Mr Bz Bee..i'm out of words................tsk tsk~





p/s: where's the "....and they live happily ever after.." part??!!!!!