This Entry Is In Malay Language....~~

Hari ni Black Mouse tak dapat nak speaking2 sebab isu yang bakal di perkatakan sangat dekat dengan kita, orang Melayu. Makin hari, makin ramai orang kita yang hanyut di laman sosial. Saya sendiri tak terkecuali. Sejak memegang status suri rumah sepenuh masa, habis semua game di laman sosial, saya kerjakan. Tapi bukan itu yang nak saya sentuh. Saya ingin sekali nak sentuh pasal keselamatan diri.

Sejak kawan-kawan meningkat dewasa, masing2 ada kerjaya yang memberi pulangan lumayan. Alhamdulillah, susah payah ibu bapa menghantar kita ke pusat pengajian akhirnya mebuahkan hasil. Maka dapatlah kita lihat `hasil` tersebut di laman-laman sosial. Rumah pertama, kereta pertama, beg tangan designer, kasut designer dan macam-macam lagi kebendaan mewah yang di kongsi di sana. Dan wujud juga golongan yang gemar check-in ke "my crib" atau "my lovely house" di ikuti dengan tag pada kawasan kediaman mewah.

"Rilek la Black Mouse, kau dengki ke tak dapat?". Bukan. Saya nak bercakap pasal isu keselamatan. Dah beberapa kenalan di laman sosial yang saya nampak di rompak. Yang terbaru, kereta di pecah masuk semasa kereta di park dekat porch rumah individu tu sendiri. Mungkin kita rasa selamat share macam2 kemewahan kita sebab semua yang kita add di laman sosial memang stictly friends and relatives. Tapi, tolong pergi jauh sikit. Ramai juga yang saban hari hilang laptop, hilang smartphone, yang mana ada yang tak sempat nak logout pun account laman sosial masing2. Peluang ini boleh saja di gunakan oleh pihak-pihak yang berniat tidak baik.

Bukan niat saya nak halang anda dari kemewahan. Itu wang titik peluh anda, hak anda. Cuma bila nak share di laman sosial, fikir-fikirlah. Mungkin dalam keasyikkan kita nak berkongsi `hasil`dengan kawan2, kita mengundang padah pada diri sendiri. Boleh jadi pendapat Black Mouse ni salah, anda yang bijak pandai tentu boleh decide sendiri yang terbaik untuk diri anda.

Pada Black Mouse, apa yang di miliki, biarlah kawan2 nampak sendiri. Semoga diri Black Mouse ingat dengan pesan sendiri, Insya-Allah. (Ejaan ini di perakui oleh seorang ustaz as acceptable in Malaysia kerana telah di daftar dengan Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka. Ianya tidak membawa maksud yang bertentangan.)

11 March..

Today marks one year of Blackmouse losing both her beloved parents.

11 March will never be just a date on a calendar. It is a day which will remind me that in split second, life can change drastically.

Today, last year, I was suddenly an orphan - who is jobless and not yet married. I suddenly had no one to depend on except for my siblings, fiancé and best friends. Suddenly, there's no one to nag about my wedding preparations. I was suddenly alone!

Later on, I stayed with my sister while hopping on every interview I was offered with a fake confidence. I no longer need the job for money or to build career, all I need was something to keep me busy. I had to keep my every tear from falling each time I got ready for an interview. When my late parents were around, they have been the ones I called to share about it. But suddenly, I had no one to share about it. No one will tell me that I'll do good during the interview or whenever I did not get through the interview, they always know the right words to say.

As the last child of the family, I must say that I am pretty attached to them. I have always been their baby. So, staying with my sister, her husband and their two kids (my nephew & niece) was never easy. It really hurt to see the happy family. The happy family reminded me of how I used to behave around my late parents. How they (my late parents) will always provide what I needed. Although some which I used to go against, but now I totally understand why.

Today, 11 March 2013, I am still an orphan, but now a housewife. My husband had to go out of town for work. And at this moment of time, I just realized that I'm alone. All my loved ones are far away from me. I know that they are all a call away, but what would I say when I call them? I'll only end up crying. I need a hug. I think I've forgotten how it feels like being hugged.....especially by my late parents.

Allow me one last line in my first language, Malay.

Allah sayang anak yatim piatu, insya-Allah Dia tolong kurangkan rasa sunyi dan rindu ni. 

Making A Come Back...

So.....my last post was in May 2010 huh? That was like almost 3 years ago!! God, of course a lot of things have changed ever since. I am finally cleaning away the dusts on my blog! And I would like to thank fellow bloggers who have visited my blog and drop their comments even when I was not actively blogging. Thank you. :)

Just some "highlights" on my past 3 years....

2011 --  blackmouse finally found the one for her..

2012 --  blackmouse lost both her parents in a car accident.. :(  

picture speaks a thousand words they say?..

On another note, blackmouse got married the same year (without having her beloved parents to watch the most important moment of her life). And that led us to 2013, the year where I quit my job to move to the same state as my husband.

*sigh*

Looking at that picture again, I just lost my words. I have not seen them for a very long time. Nor do I get to hear their voice. In this world of high technology, where even an average priced handphone could record a video, I NEVER took a video of my late parents. I have videos of cats, rabbits and even some bands rocking at a show, but not my loved ones.

Ok, I should stop here.  

J-U-N-E...

Early of the year...I was pretty much looking forward for the month of June..but then He took it away from me way before things are about to happen...it's every girl's dream to have their lil secret fantasy...........mine's ruined.....it's over I know, but I can't lie that this coming June won't remind me of those things that I've dreamed of...I know this June will not quite bring me the happiness which I thought it would...but maybe He has better plans for me....June might be the kick start for a new dream?...perhaps..?....I kinda can't wait for June to be over...maybe that way I wouldn't be so reminded of those dreams... *sigh* I really need some distraction........hmmm...

i wanttttt........

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my baby to wear this....................

my baby?.... *sigh*
i don't even have a husband..or a fiance...or a boyfriend... *sigh*
but stillll....i want....i just want my baby to wear this...
it's sooo cuteeee...hehee.. :D

Our days are numbered....

Yea....our days ARE numbered...that's just why calendars have numbers...and our birthday adds number to our age.....

26 years of living, there are too many things that I wanted in life. Some which I managed to reach, while some are still out of reach. Despite of all the materials that I want, I am still seeking for happiness, pure happiness. I know that happiness won't last and that our life needs to be balanced with some sadness. But I have this feeling that sadness is starting to conquer my life and that I only managed to taste a split second of happiness. There are quite a number of things which I suppose are achievable to me, but I was forced to stop pursuing them. People have been saying that there may be something better that awaits me at the end of the day. I kept telling myself the same. But just how long can I lie to this broken heart that things are never going to be the way I wanted it to be. I can't even try to mend things in my own way. A leopard can never change its spot? That's exactly what I am. But the leopard is lucky coz he can behave just like how a leopard should behave. While I have to watch people around me achieve what they desire and watch mine shattered one after another. I just don't have the right to make a dream come true.

Die? People no longer die when they get old. Nowadays, people tend to die at young age. I don't know when I will die. No one knows. But I do know that my days are numbered. I can't stay alive forever. And I think I don't have much of a time to be upset about not getting to achieve what I desire. If I should die, I want to die happily. And leave the people who I love without having them being hurt about my misbehaviour or what not. If I were to die soon, I want them to be happy. So I suppose I should start behaving at my best. Be careful with my words and action as to not hurt those who I love. Need to learn to listen and not question too much. Whatever makes them happy should make me happy to. I'm sure they want me to be happy, as much as I want them to be happy. Now that sounds like a happy ending.

Well, looks like I gotta live everyday like it's my last day. May Allah bless me, and those I love. *amin*

no longer..........

i no longer have to fake a smile...
whenever i smile now, it's straight from my heart...
i guess i'm over that phase now...
tho i have to admit dat at certain time, i still remember it...
but i guess that's just natural...
coz i was true...
and didnt fake those things...

i'm rili thankful to Him, dear famliy and darling friends (near, far, wherever u are..hehee) for helping me out of the phase...
whether u realize it or not, u've rili help me a lot in so many ways...

i'm smiling ear to ear.......thank u....thank u so much......

What Happened To Blackmouse & "The Train"...

Remember the train?..which blackmouse was supposed to decide whether or not to hop in it?..
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It crashed!!!!
Yes....right in front of her eyes..when she had decided to hop in it....
All the dilemmas, juz to watch it crash?..
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It's awful!!..blackmouse now hates "train"!!

**no human or mouse were hurt in the crash.......only blackmouse's lil tiny heart was hurt....quite badly.... :(

NOSE - E!!!

Like seriously...wat do u people want?...dont u hv other things to do?...oh wait, no, i dont mean u guys, my friends...it's all d bullshits with social notworking networking lahh!~

1. A sibling of my ex-bf (we broke up like 10 months ago) added me
2. A very close friend of my ex-bf (the same as above) added me
3. An old schoolmate of mine messaged/added me

No 1 & no 2..hello?...u wanna be friendly now?..fine..i accepted ur request..then what?..NOTHING!

No 3.. I was glad that u actually remembered me..n after ur 2nd msg, i realized dat u actually messaged & added me juz to find out how i got to know a particular guy who i happened to be commenting on his status..2nd message OK?!! dat's how obvious u wanna know about me knowing dat guy rather than "re-unite"..

1,2 n 3...u guys r plain NOSE-E!!! erghhh!!

And So It's 2010 Already...

my first post for 2010..
it's a new year..but nothing new (yet) bout me...i haven't been blogging for so long n today i felt like it again...after so long...yeah..maybe dat's something new?..heh..

so Black Mouse is currently wondering...

"there's a train coming....u either hop in THAT train or wait for another train to take u to ur destination.....(if there's ever gonna b another one)..?"

yeah?..to hop or not to hop?...THAT train might seem uncomfortable to ride in but if Black Mouse does not hop in THAT train, will there ever be another train?..if there is, then she's lucky..but what if that's the last train?...what if that's not the last one?...what will she be missing?..

Black Mouse remember writing about the road not taken last year, so this year, it's about the train..God knows what she'll be writing about next year..huhuuu...

And suddenly this song came to her mind......

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep, there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else's known
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

That's Runaway Train by Soul Asylum anyway....and THAT song is the song she should be singing if she ever miss the train n there's NO other train!! Enough wondering for the day I guess..

T.I.M.E

So it's been a while yea?..i juz don't know what to blog about...until today..
when i come to think of time...how time passes and many dreams achieved, while many more remain as dreams..

time rili flies...many things have changed..yet today, i'm sititng in front of my laptop wif d same old feeling..(which i rather not mention here)..y does dis thing keep happening to me..?..gimme sumthg new..or at least change me...make me have no feeling towards it..the more i tried not to take it to heart, the worse it felt..

can i simply back-off from dis whole system dat's starting to hurt me?..can I?...
there's no answer to it...because only TIME will tell...I guess I'd better switch to safe-mode before it's too late... *sigh* i rili hope dat dis is juz a phase...and soon, all this feelings will be gone...

Where R U Taking Me?..

i've been wanting to run away from all the things dats been haunting me...tried hard to live a normal life...n when i realise that all of it r already far behind me, i also realise dat all d good things r also left there...they dont tag along...so where r u taking me?...i want to be back to the happy times with them where life is all about being around people who u care n who care about u..

am i stuck or juz stranded here?..can i go back for the good things?..or will i juz get myself haunted again..?..so where r u taking me?..i missed being me..i want the old me..and the old u... so plz...plz tell me..where r u taking me..?..for if i'm not going to get my happy times..i'll stop following ur direction...coz i really miss them..

It's 12 a.m Now...

yes..it's 12am now...& in 12 hours time, i'll b in the middle of a celebration...a celebration for my 5 years of study...

going back to yesteryear... i still remember giving up on life juz bcoz of a dark moment..but slowly, i found d courage to stand again n so i paddle my way to the journey of 5 years to reach to my destination of getting a degree..

the judging eyes have always been looking down at me..their hands are ever ready to clap if i fall again...to them, i'm just gonna fall at anytime...once a failure, a failure i will be...

so, in 12 hours time, I shall be free from the judging eyes that have always been looking down at me..alhamdulillah....He had granted me a second chance...n i finally achieved what i dreamt of...i'm hoping that my success today will not make me forget of my responsibilities..

papa n mama...i'm sorry i turned u down last 5 years...i'm dedicating tomorrow to both of u..i know i'm not d best of all...but dis is d best dat i manage to be...thanks for all ur prayers alongway of my journey up till today..thanks also to my beloved sister n brother for d motivation n prayers..to my friends (near n far) who r alwiz around thru my ups n downs...and finally.....

all my lecturers for all that they've taught me in the past 5 years....to a particular lecturer, thanks for ur HUGE critic..it was becoz of ur critic dat i walk dat extra mile to prove u wrong...to prove to u dat my micro teaching isn't rubbish at all n dat wat u saw was juz bcoz i had no clue on wat to do coz i didn't get to attend ur class (with ur own permission).....i am seriously thanking u..n u shud know dat i cant erase d picture of u in my head..i'm alwiz reminded of u whenever i first walk into a new classroom to teach...thank you...

n to all the people (pak guard, pakcik bas, makcik cafe, abg CC, org2 TMnet, pakcik library, etc) who indirectly contributes to my achievement in d next 12 hours...THANK YOU!!! thank u so much!!~~

It Makes Me Wonder...

I'm in d process of recovering from a very high fever..i was flat for two days.. *sigh*
so yeah..feelin a bit better after meeting my peeps, i went back home n start checking my mails n wat not..wat makes me wonder is dat i've been receiving friends request from my ex's friends..?
hmmm...i'm just wondering..as to y now?..y is it dat dey r becoming friendly after we broke up?..
i came out wif a few reasons...

1) bukan la nk add sgt pn, tp da profile aku private, tepakse la add sbb nk view..
2) nk tau ape pasal ktorg break, aku ade laki lain ke..
3) saje je nk tgk kot2 tipu2 je breakup..
4) nk kepoh2 tgk aku cmne skrg..
5) nk make sure aku masih bernafas lepas da break?..

heh...very negative? i know! but come on la, apasal masa elok2 kitorg couple, xde plak korang nk beramah mesra nk add aku kan?? skrg plak nk add2..mintak maaf la kakak2, abang2, serta adik2 yg nk add aku tu...nk ckp aku sombong pn cakap la...aku lg tau sape aku..ko nk bekawan ngn aku ke?..i dont think so la..kalo x, konfem dr dulu pn ko da add or msg2 aku kn..bukan xde pn kawan "dia" yg msg2 n add aku...aku layan je...aku xde la sombong terjun lombong punya orang..heh..soriiii...naik loriiii...kalo da rase nk tawu sgt psl aku..tuh, p tny la kwn korg tuuu...
yes, aku hangin sbb korg nk sibuk2 life aku...

hah!!kan da kuar bahasa ibunda aku neh..sorry, must b d heat of my body dat caused me to easily get mad?..heh..blackmouse wonders no more....coz blackmouse doesn't need d kind of friend who doesn't know her at all n doesn't even try to make any effort to get to know her, but merely JUDGE her from wat dey can view on her profile!! thanks for d attention though...hahah!

Forbidden Love...?..

It's been a while since I last update my blog..
So many things happened that I don't rili hv the time to update my blog..
but paper n pen are almost everywhere that whenever i have the "urge" to write, I'll simply scribble it down..so here it goes......

There was a tale about a Mouse who is really crazy about cheese. One day, he fell deeply in love with the moon, thinking that she is a cheese. Every night, the Mouse will look up to the sky to watch the Moon. And during the day, he will be restless, waiting for night to come.

The Moon knows about the Mouse's feelings towards her. Feeling the attraction between them, the Moon decided to reveal her feelings to the Mouse. With cheese in one hand, the Mouse replied, "I do love you too Moon, but there's nothing I can do".

Upon listening to this, the Moon was so heart broken that she decided to hide herself among the clouds. Whenever the Mouse looked up to watch the Moon, she will hide herself. So, if you happen to look up to the sky and the Moon is hiding among the clouds, you should know that the Mouse is also looking up to see the moon......heh...enough said..move on!!

Tenggang Blackmouse homecoming...

Blackmouse would like to report about her so-called loooong holiday dat she had, in conjunction of labour's day..hahah..so yeah, on the 30th of April, blackmouse drove back to her hometown rite after work..

Feeling quite tired due to not having enough sleep the nite before, she sang along to almost all the songs she had in her collection..a few kilometres upon arriving to her destination...blackmouse saw..........
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"dah sampai HOLLYWOOD?????" she thought...den she blinked her eyes several times to make sure dat it wasn't a dream...
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."haaaa...baru la betolll.."...heh..didn't know dat Ipoh had similar signage like the one in Hollywood..

p/s: Blackmouse enjoyed her so called loooong holiday..how bout u??.. ;)

When You Weren't Looking

...Blackmouse fell down today at one of the school's stairs..not too sure what went wrong tho..but it seems dat a certain switch's been turned on..Blackmouse suddenly felt like writing...hmmm...
Here it goes.....

When you weren't looking,
I checked my hair if it's in place.
When you weren't looking,
I stared at your hair wanting to put it in place.

When you weren't looking,
I smiled at you in daze.
When you weren't looking,
I watched you smiling and suddenly feel safe.

When you weren't looking,
I said a little prayer.
When you weren't looking,
I shifted to be nearer.

When you weren't looking,
I secretly wished we can be happy together.
When you weren't looking,
I hoped I'll no longer live in tear.

When you looked
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I ran away.....................and cried!

Syukur pada Mu...

WARNING: Pls don't bother reading this entry..i juz need a channel to let out my feeling(s)..n it's darn long!

Hmm...
Hrni aku rs nk ckp bahse ibunda..coz entry kali ni is luahan perasaan yg aku pn xtau la nk kate ape..aku hepi hrni kuar jln2 bersama kwn2..kuar kalini bkn takat kuar jln2 kosong..tp dgn mission nk wat bisnes..terasa dunia ni masih luas..byk lg celahan hidup yg aku blom explore..btol la kot org puteh kate, life starts at 40 ek?..tu psl la kot aku rs cm life aku xstart2 lagik..hahah!

Round punya round, dpt la aku collect dua bisnes card utk aku kire2 nk wat bisnes..den kitorg troskn jln2..psl jln2 xya la kot cite..kite fast forward part tu..so, on d way back, borak2 la psl future n wat not..den kwn aku pn bukak la offer psl kwn die nk cr calon wife..n kwn aku ni sungguh2 rekomen kt ktorg..kateny d guy target nk kawin nxt year xsilap..mase dgr tu, fuhh..tros t'ingat kat some1..huhuh..bunyi offer mcm menarik..a chance to get to know another soul who's also looking kan..dari dok merayap kat secret garden..but den, aku decline...coz aku rs cam xbest je cmtu..da la kwn aku tu ckp org tu xnk b'cinta dlu, nk b'cinta pas kawin..erk..sempat ke nk knal cmtu?..

Oh ok..aku tau ade je org yg b'cinta pas kawin..no offense k..aku hormat keputusan korg n infact salute korg coz brani take dat step..aku x kot..or mayb blom smpi tahap seberani korg..but den lately ni aku cam rs tah pape...since sorg2 kwn aku dok naik pelamin..cam rs, "ape nk jd kt aku nih?"..hmm..quite a few jgk kwn2 yg da ade anak..adeyh..rs cam aku akn cmni smpi tua...coz aku xmeet new people kot..tahla..da la aku ni penyegan..huhuh..

Tapiii...dlm dok bengong2 cmnih, aku t'bc la blog some1..mmg btol la org kate m'baca ni leh luaskn pengetahuan, bla bla bla..coz aku bru sedar.....yg sbenar2ny....aku bkn perlu smua tu..aku juz rs cmtu sbb keadaan sekeliling..sbb smua org ada...sbb umur cmni org slalu settle down..seriously, aku bodoh..alhamdulillah Allah dorong aku g baca blog tu..aku skrg sedar n paham maksud settle down yg sbenarny..settle down, is bila kita rs nk hidup b'same org tersebut..bkn kite pegi cari sane sini utk hidup bersame org tu..mayb blogger tu xmention camtu, tp itu yg aku phm sndr..tibe2, i dont feel dat old anymore..hahah!..ada la tu nti, for me..amin..~

Fuhhhhh! lega btol da pokpek pjg lebar cmnih..maka t'bukti la bku yg aku pnah bc dlu kate, writing is a therapy..soooo trueee!!

p/s: hopefully k'sedaran ni b'thn lame..takut je bgun2 esk da stat blik..hahha! ape pun, for now..aku hepi cam nih...weee~

this heart is itching......

while walking round a flea market today, blackmouse spotted this and instantly fell in love wif it..she would've dived at it if her pocket was thick..heh..now her heart is rili itching for it.....

"I'm so gonna get this!!!!!"

1st Rendezvous...

tadaaa...this is our picture during our 1st rendezvous... we were walking hand in hand..LOL! i can see dat he's rili happy..juz look at d way he smiled!! hahah!..love ur smile Mr. S..weeee~